Unclench My Fists
An essay on control in motherhood. Or lack thereof.
I’m 10 weeks pregnant and nursing my seven-month-old to bed. After almost two hours, he gives into sleep and I lay him into the crib.
I walk out the door and search for something to drown out to as I clean some dishes.
I’m about to hit play–and–*cries*.
This “fall asleep and wake up in 10 minutes” thing grudgingly became a core part of my night routine. Oh, and let’s not forget the 4+ times he woke up throughout the night. I was going crazy.
And thus the Googling began.
“7-months-old not sleeping why”
“7 months old teething”
“Sleep regression 7 months”
My research sent me to a baby sleep consultant. Katie looked put together, nurturing, and like she had the all the answers.
I combed through her website and landed on a list of must-have bedtime items. A sleep sack caught my eye — The Nested Bean Sleep Slack — to be exact.
“IMPROVES SLEEP IN 1–3 NIGHTS” shined back at me with promise.
And the reviews?
“The first night using this, my four-month-old went from sleeping three hours to a full eight!”
“My son slept completely through the night the first time we put it on him! AMAZING!”
It took no longer than five minutes to buy this magical sleeping aid. I locked my phone and felt a sliver of hope–sleep is coming soon.
I shimmied the sleep sack onto my baby a few days later, nursed him to sleep, laid him down, and took a deep breath.
*Cries*
Sigh, this isn’t the first product I’ve been suckered into buying.
$100 skincare to fix the “I was up eight times last night” under-eye circles.
A baby led weaning course to lessen my fear of choking.
A $150 diaper bag to feel like I had it together during a huge blowout (OK, I didn’t buy this one, but boy, was I close!).
And a sleep sack to “fix” my son’s developmentally appropriate sleep regression.
I was never one to fall for deceptive advertising, so why was it happening now?
Instagram mom-influencers may have something to do with it. But really, I was longing for some sense of control.
I don’t know about you, but motherhood spun my world upside down and onto its head. Everything from my routine to the inner workings of my brain changed as soon as I held my newborn baby. Heck, things even changed the moment I found out I was pregnant.
I felt so out of control, I grasped onto the first thing I could to put myself back into the driver’s seat. I poured my faith into these products when really, I should’ve poured my faith into my Father.
Only my Father can help me discern what’s best for my baby.
Only the Holy Spirit can pour wisdom into my heart and onto my children.
And only Jesus Christ can wrap me into His arms when it’s 2am and the baby won’t stop crying. Only He can lift my sufferings and turn me, a mother, anew.
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